UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE

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Wednesday, March 31, 2004
 
My friends are in trouble. One friend of mine is probably going to jail for protesting. Another friend got fired yesterday for, as far as I can tell, no reason in particular except that her boss is a fickle megalomaniac who had nothing better to do with his evil time. One friend has utterly lost her mind, and a couple I'd mentally held up as the paradigm of postmodern wedded bliss has spilt indefinitely. One friend just hauled off to a three-week rehab to unpickle her bottom-shelf-whiskey-soaked liver. And I think another friend of mine just gambled away all her teeth during a poker game with the devil. Other friends are bored, tired, or lazy.
     Is my vicarious stress justifiable? It's not that I feel a shit boulder rolling my way, or a Damoclean sense of doom. But I feel unmoored, and at the same time I feel I have NO RIGHT to feel that way, seeing as I haven't been evicted, convicted, cashiered, or stabbed in the face with razors.
     Oh, enough already. TIME FOR THE FUCKING SPRING NOW. Let me mothball the parka. Let me wear a t-shirt to work. Let me go for long lunchtime walks in the sun. Tomorrow, let me post in the manner to which you've become accustomed: by picking a group of people an yelling at them in acrobatically vulgar prose. Also, let the Damn Hell Ass Kings portal make good on their offer to add me to their roster, so's I'll have a reason to be your clever, dancing monkey once again.

 
All right so I was home sick yesterday and didn't even turn on my computer, and Monday my computer was on but I felt like hot buttered ass. I hope you don't feel too ignored. But over the weekend I greatly improved the Beatles cover by, surprisingly enough, removing all the vocals (except for the two very high-pitched reverby backing tracks). You wouldn't think that would improve a song, right? But you be the judge. Turns out I hate my clones.

Friday, March 26, 2004
 
One curse of being creative is that to some degree, you always feel like you're not creating enough. The smell of squandered or fallow talent is like curdled cream on a skunk turd, so I make stuff, even if my muse is on sabbatical. As you've witnessed frequently enough on this site -- and on every other fucking blog in the world -- creativity is not always coupled with inspiration. The absenteesim of my inspiration pisses me off. I'm a latchkey artist, left alone in the living room with paper and glue but no chickenwire. How'm I gonna make a big-dicked paper mache donkey like that? Shee-it.
     Still, I gotta keep flexing, or else I feel no different than that crap-huffing horde of B-school (ugh!) graduates that clot the midtown pavement and turn my lunch hours into marathon nausea-battles. When I can't think of anything exciting to write about, I write about zombies. When I can't think of anything to draw, I draw coffee cups. And when I've got nothing in particular to make music about, I record covers of Beatles songs. This one's only a first draft, but I think you'll dig it. I like recording six separate vocal tracks because I can pretend I have six hot, charming clones to hang out with when I get home. I wonder if it would be fun to hang out with my clones, or if it would just be way predictable? Actually I know it would be a nightmare: you put that many frantic attention-seekers in the same room and it'd be like someone spiked the punch with methamphetamine before open mic night at drama camp.
     Listen to the song, though. It's better than this post.

Thursday, March 25, 2004
 
First of all, thanks to Black Joe for my motto in Latin (which you'll see below -- wait for it). At least somebody around here sees my pleas as other than rhetorical. Now somebody please send me a record contract. I don't care what language it's in.
     I saw an ice cream truck driver screaming obscenities at a car that had, I dunno, cut him off or something, and the vision of this guy in a yellow SpongeBob shirt literally hanging out of the side of his vehicle and shaking his fist at this other guy, well, it left me quaking with a frisson of private glee. Like if you catch your elementary school principal sneaking a smoke. You're not supposed to be human, dude. You're supposed to project a cheery façade, smiling for the children, wrapping napkins around their cones and sticks so that their little fingers won't get stickier than necessary. But I've already told you about the Drug Truck on my block, so you know I don't have any illusions about the beatitude of ice cream truckers.
     Well, I just re-read that, and it's a boring and banal observation of a totally typical subversion of expectation. Everybody likes that shit except church ladies. Drunken clowns, junkie babysitters, angry Santas, stoner bus drivers, whatever: staples of lazy comedy, but a rare enough source of real-life mirth. Shut up. Speaking of clowns, here's a quote I liked from a movie I saw last night:
WAITER #1: I'm just doing this job to pay my way through clown school.
WAITER #2: You want to be a clown?
WAITER #1: Well, I don't know. But I definitely want clown skills.
     Heh.
     Yesterday as the conductor on the train was announcing the next stop, I heard the telltale blooping of his GameBoy. It was funny, and we the passengers all looked around at each other like ho ho ho listen to the blooping! Only human after all! What a delicious subversion of expectation! Meanwhile, was that the sound of a baby carriage being smashed between a pair of New York's famous "Closin' Duhz"? Dude! Unless that's an MTA approved training sim -- which I doubt, seeing as they apparently don't have the budget to create a MetroCard whose paint won't rub away to its nacreous underlayer within a few weeks of normal use -- stop playing UberMarioDeathPlosion on the fucking train! I don't want you worrying about getting that extra guy while a REAL GUY slurps between the train and the platform and you give the green light to the motorman (Ooh ooh I got fireballs!) and you corkscrew the real fucker's legs off his body, forcing the conductors behind you to apologize for the "sick" passenger at West 4th, and the biohazard mop brigade to put down their comic books and pick up slithery passenger entrails! Fuck!
     While I remained vigilant for the slushy sounds of mashed passenger, I looked around the last car of the F train. Now everybody "knows" that the front car of the F is the "singles car" wa ha ha where you're supposed to, I dunno, ask people about their iPods or whatever if their t-shirts are ironic enough. But what about the back of the F train? The back is for couples on the decline, or for the broken-hearted. I saw this chick in Uggs and black knee sox, with pearls hanging over a yellow sweater. She looked sad. I gave her a smile, because that's about all I have to give anymore. Egeo huic vigorum, beeyotchka.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004
 
My boss just breezed back into the office at 2pm after a six-day trip to Atlanta, which may not have been actually hot(lanta) but was certainly hotter(lanta) than this stupid icebox of a town. Out like a lamb, my hot buttered ass. This shit be cold. This boss in warm climes thing highlights the fact that I need a vacation too, which shouldn't surprise me since it's been almost six months since my last one and the need for vacation is as clockworky as other needs like food and excretion, but those always take me by pissed-off surprise, too, like: What the fuck, body, you want me to eat three times a day? What, you want me to empty this stupid bladder again? SHUT UP BODY. I am busy failing to blog.
     The vacation deal at my office is enviable in that I get 20 days a year and they really don't care when I go, or for how long, as long I give them some notice. Sometimes I think I could just call in and be like "yeah, I woke up in Juneau this morning, so I gotta flag down a SnoCat or something, so, I dunno, I guess I'll be back in a week if I can cross the Rockies without going Donner on somebody" and they'd be like "okay, don't get frostbite" and that'd be thatski. Unfortunately I always seem to wake up in New York, where the SnoCat line doesn't fly, and I usually have to go to work. Now, since I have no imagination at all in certain realms, I am going to California again. Definitely L.A. and possibly S.F., if they'll have me. Don't try to talk me into going anywhere else. I've got no energy for it.
     In fact, I'm gonna make a t-shirt that says "I've got no energy for it" in spastic, slothful Sharpie, because it's becoming my motto. Somebody send me the translation into Latin, please, so I can whip up a wicked awesome coat of arms to pass down to my Epstein-Barr-afflicted progeny. How do you go out drinking, dudes? How can you drag your asses out to the same funless zone of depressant ingestion night after night? I admit that my idea of fun has become bizarre lately -- I just spent waaay too much of the day obsessively clicking reload on The Onion until the update finally came through. Not fun, but apparently more fun than SXSW, which I only read one random account of it, but it seems like the kind of thing you'd prefer to have your scalp cheese-grated than attend.
     Which unfortunately is how I feel about EVERYTHING. This lunch I'm eating, packed with vegetables to make me think for a moment that I could be healthy? Grate my fucking scalp. My plans for this week, or this weekend, or forever after? Grate away, Ellie May. This movie, book, or television show, which is supposed to distract me from thoughts like these? FILL ME WITH ROCKS. All right, I'm exaggerating. I'm emulating a level of emotion that seems to be more normal than my blipless flatline of nonchalance. OR AM I? GLAARGLE! COUGH! COUGH!

Thursday, March 18, 2004
 
I'm having trouble finishing my cigarettes again, mostly because my lungs are filled with a luscious goulash of chunky technicolor phlegm that I have to coax out with coughing spasms so violent that every once in a while I'll puke a little bit, too. Awesome! And though it galls me to discard half-smoked sticks with prices the way they are, I buy mine over the Interweb from Europe, so it's not so egregious a waste as it might be for those less foresighted. But what is the value of a cigarette? If someone bums off me on the street, I act like I paid full NYC retail, grumbling and noble. But I think I'm getting bored with smoking. It's not as fun as it used to be, and my sickness-sensitive nostrils rebel when I walk into my house.
     I just read Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point, which had some interesting points about smoking. He says that all current efforts to end teen smoking are stupid and misdirected, because they try to tell kids that smoking isn't cool. Well, we knew the ads were dumb. (I mean come on nah: "Tobacco is Whacko if You're a Teen"? Give me one hot fucking break, please! Glaargle! Just as gaytarded as those "anti-drug" ads, which just make everybody who sees them want to snort fat rails of coke off a hooker's tits.) But Gladwell says that the thing about heavy smokers is that studies have shown them to fit a very specific personality profile. Here's a quote about early teen smokers:
The same characteristics of rebelliousness and impulsivity and risk-taking and indifference to the opinion of others and precocity that made them so compelling to their adolescent peers also make it almost inevitable that they would also be drawn to the ultimate expression of adolescent rebellion, risk-taking, impulsivity, indifference to others, and precocity: the cigarette. This may seem like a simple point. But it is absolutely essential to understanding why the war on smoking has stumbled so badly. Over the past decade, the anti-smoking movement has railed against the tobacco companies for making smoking cool and has spent untold millions of dollars of public money trying to convince teenagers that smoking isn't cool. But that's not the point. Smoking was never cool. Smokers are cool.
Boo-yaa! I didn't need the validation, but it's nice to have an explanation for why I started smoking. I thought I was just stupid. But the crowd in the smoking courtyard at the Whitney -- and at every gathering I've ever been to, for that matter -- was the crowd I wanted to hang out with. I chain smoke vulgarly at such occasions, mostly so that I won't be tempted to go back to wherever the non-smokers are. Fucking pink-lung lametards. This is why people who have nonsmoking houses always suspend their tobacco rules when they throw parties: ban the smokers to some rooftop ghetto and the fun in the mainspace takes a dive.
     When I smoked throughout high school, I always assumed that my parents didn't know because I was all sneaky pete about it. I realized some years ago that I was a slack-jawed drooling idiot. If there are any kids reading this who think your parents don't know you smoke even though you smell like a terrycloth bathrobe worn to an AA meeting, you should go to the opening of Dawn of the Dead: The Remakening, jump inside the movie, and offer your brains to one of the fast-moving zombies. Because your brains are dumb, and you're using up all my oxygen.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004
 
I woke up this morning before my alarm went off and smiled to myself, because I had a perfect topic for you. A good entry after a drought. I slept the sleep of the righteous. Then I woke up and went to work and forgot everything. So maybe I'll talk about the Irish instead.
     I have to cross Fifth Avenue on the way to work, which today was not possible because of the police barricades set up to completely enclose the upcoming river of bagpiping drunkards. I managed to hop the barricades and blend in with the crowd by stripping down to my green shillelagh hammock and bolting across the street screaming "FOOKIN' 'ELL OI'M IRISH! YARR! SURE AN' YER DA'S A SHEEPSHAGGAH!" I was allowed to cross, and my heart swelled. I'm a quarter Irish, you know. Even now, from my office on the 14th floor, I am gladdened that I can still hear the "FweeEEE-ummmm a Fwee-dalla Fweee!" of Irish pride.
     It's a wonderful tradition, which commemorates the day St. Patrick barricaded the rats of Dublin inside a pub and killed them using the amplified screams of the witches burning under the willow trees of Glocca Morra, or whatever. Helicopters are flying freaky low-altitude intimidation patterns over midtown to discourage... um, parade terror, I guess? My boss said she heard there were police snipers posted all along the route, which is also weird. My guess is they're authorized to shoot anyone who isn't wearing green or demanding kisses from every girl who passes within thirty feet. I just hope the snipers aren't Irish too, because Irish people are drunk all the time. No, I'm kidding. But seriously, it's hard to aim when your laser scope is covered with chunky green scone huke. Erin Go Blaargle!
     Speaking of green, my cowokers just started a volley of tsking over some story about a lady who was pregnant with twins and blah blah blah tragedycakes about opting out of a C-section. I dunno, but there was some more tsking about the fact that the expectant mom had smoked weed while pregnant. I just want to tell you that it makes perfect sense to me. The idea of being preggers gives me the shivering creepers. Plus, I think burning trees with a bun in the oven pretty much guarantees you a mellow, chilled-out baby, right? Also, shooting speed straight into the amniotic sac will create an energetic, productive baby who loves to clean his room. Also, inserting a mini bottle of airplane liquor and a rifle bullet into your baby-filled uterus will guarantee your child future employment at St. Paddy's Day parades.

Thursday, March 11, 2004
 
First of all, I was misled, and I should have known better: The opening I went to last night was not the "real" opening of the Whitney Biennial. It was the suckas' opening. No rich people, no famous people, no artists, no plates of cocaine, no fingerbowls filled with liquid ketamine. Yeah, the fake opening. The first tipoff was the food, which the last time I went to a real opening at the Whitney it was an appropriately fancy spread of dinner-quality hors d'oeuvres, you know, with asparagus and smoked salmon and caviar and gooseberries and pickled lark's tongues and an ever-flowing fountain of bechamel sauce. Even the air conditioning sounded like hundred-dollar bills brushing together. Well, last night after an hour-long chainsmoking wait on the concrete ramp, J.Ro and I dashed down to the basement to find our dinner waiting: pretzels. Chips. Salsa. Fucking luxurious high-toned shit, too! Damn, is this Old El Paso? Suck it, Paris Hilton!
     So the opening was for the rabble, but that's really where I deserve to be, so I couldn't complain. Plus it was free. Plus, for fuck's sake, isn't this supposed to be about art? Aww. Aren't you cute! Last night's opening was as much about art as a bukkake video is about tender, loving relationships built on mutual trust and respect. The parade of Extremely Hot People made the opening veer off-topic like a senile boss in a staff meeting. You could look at the art, but damn that girl is cute, and wow that guy is hot, and holy hot fuck will you look at that dress! And because the humid press of bodies was so sardiney-tight, it was often impossible to get a clear line of sight at an actual art object anyhow.
     Your primary mode of locomotion last night was shuffling, with brief bursts of sprint if you happened to spot a ten-foot lane of open floor in the direction you were heading. I ran into about 15 people I knew, at least two of whom I hadn't seen in over 10 years. Then there was the hot girl from Dayton, whose tipsy icebreaker of "hey, are you the guy from the bathroom?" warmed up the chilly smoking courtyard. As we tried to talk about art and Ohio, a bitter sculptor named Mike kept explaining why he wasn't bitter about the fact that he wasn't part of the Biennial, and he kept bumming smokes off me. But that's okay because I had just found a full pack of Winstons unattended and unclaimed ("found art," bwah) on a table littered with plastic cups and puddles of wine that had a decidedly boxy bouquet.
     I've hated museums ever since I spent a summer working at the MoMA's Information Desk. I don't like events with bad food and overbooked guest lists. My shoes were too new and were slowly grinding my tender toes into foot tartare. What is the purpose of an opening? Ah, I can hear you in the back, sir, saying "when I see an opening, I usually like to put my penis in it." That's very clever, but really. I was hungry, tired and sore after two hours of Biennial, like I imagine our brave soldiers in Iraq must feel at the end of a day of Defending our American Freedoms. But one thing can get me through almost any event: imagining the effect of inserting one -- just one -- zombie into the crowd, and watching what happens.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004
 
I'm expanding the Fear Not Guide to Life from 16 pages to 20 pages of 7-point type by adding some new entries, editing some old ones, and adding spot illustrations (like in your favorite dictionary) by the genius comic artist and illustrator David Heatley. This means that in two weeks or so, if you order the new issue of Fear Not, your life will improve by an extra 25%. You need it, too, judging by your fanatical obsession with all things poop-related.
     I was tempted to mine the blog archives for suitable material, which is a lazy but effective way to pad the output, but it will also help preserve the blog contents beyond the digilimbo they now inhabit. BUT several avid readers have suggested another way to develop the FNGL into a large, marketable, book-deal-making kind of thing. You, dear reader, must tell me what specific things you need help with.
     Open up your copy of the FNGL, read it again from cover to cover, and look inside yourself to find the deep, scorching worries that singe your hopes and dreams. (If you can't find your copy, or if you crumpled (or folded) it for emergency asswipery, or if you somehow forgot to order your copy, order one here RIGHT NOW.) What have I failed to address? What are you still doing wrong that I haven't taught you how to do right? What worthy targets of scorn and derision remain unscorned and underided? What cherised ideals have I left unmocked?
     Or, if you're an alphabetical completist, you probably noticed that I only have one entry that starts with the letter J, and none that start with Q, X, or Y. Help me, people. Help me to help you. Use the comments page to suggest possible topics for the next edition or send me emails if you're shy like that. But know that anyone who has already purchased a copy will receive, on request and pending publication, a free upgrade to the newest release. And listen: if I get enough good suggestions, I could even push it to 24 pages. Maybe 30, if you're nasty. It doesn't end there, folks. Keep counting up in multiples of four, and as high as you can count is as high as I could go. The cute chick who chainsmokes outside the Scientology bookstore gave me a copy of L. Ron Hubbard's blatant FNGL ripoff called The Way to Happiness, which, while far inferior in both content and style, clocks in at a none-too-shabby 48 pages. We can beat the Hubbardists. Let's roll! Bring it on! LOL! ROTFL! RTFM! MILF!

Friday, March 05, 2004
 
My sister left me a voicemail at around midnight Eastern, saying she had some news and an important question for me. The news was that she's moving out of her horrorshow apartment sitch, and the question was whether I fold or crumple toilet paper before use. She was excited about moving, and understandably so because her roommate is a supercreepy thirtysomething Asian dude who: apparently has a son across town but doesn't really participate in his life; has a lock on his door but won't let my sister put a lock on hers; has hinted that he has installed hidden cameras in the apartment; and if that's not enough you can call me and I'll give you more stuff. But really she's excited about her toidypaper poll, which she says so far it looks like: men fold, women crumple. (Which would be an awesome metaphor for patterns of emotional collapse, if only it were true, but after seeing Mystic River I'm not so sure.)
     I told my sister that folding reflects men's rational nature, and the crumpling women's emotional nature. Then I said "LOL." She said that she had been wondering if the folding thing was just gay men, because so far her sample size had been very small and the men exclusively gay. Like maybe her poll subjects consisted of herself and that guy over there. I should tell you now that I do not want to see the comments page filled with people declaring their position on the TP-configuration debate, because I think it's about as uninteresting and arbitrary as the over/under-toilet-paper-roll-installation-debate, which I once vowed that the next time I heard someone pose this question as a conversational icebreaker I would cut them open and fill them with rocks. Also I realize that telling you demented children not to do something is like trying to extinguish an kitchen fire by throwing bacon at it.
     In other bathroom news, electric shavers are totally for shit. Not in the way that toilet paper is -- I just mean they don't shave very well. After twenty minutes of smearing my dad's Braun across my tender faceflesh, I had sickly patches of hairless mange interspersed randomly with shallow swaths of bristle. FUCK IT. I hate scraping hair off my face under any circumstances, but at least a razor blade will actually remove the hair most of the time, even if it also ends up taking with it as much epidermis as a centurion's flail on Jesus' scapula. And speaking of blood, I am proud to announce that, despite the perennial popularity of the blood type O, this website is now the #1 hit when you search google for the term Universal Donor.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004
 
How the fuck did Mrs. Fields go from making really fucking good fresh cookies in the 80s to selling chemical-only disks that make Chips Ahoy seem like food? When those red-branded sugar oases appeared shimmering on the avenues of New York, it was, like, kiddie heaven, because adults liked the cookies too. Certain parents were especially susceptible to the cookies made with the status-enhancing wonder nut of the 80s, the Macadamia. Woo. It was a fucking nut, people, and the Hawaiian-shirted pitchman for the most visible brand should have tipped you off to the fact that anybody who expected a status boost from a nut got what they deserved. But wait, what if there was a time when Hawaiian shirts were not hideous? If it existed, it must have been the 80s.
     So tonight I want to see a movie, but I am not so excited about the options. I haven't seen Monster or Mystic River, and I guess I've run out of excuses not to go, especially to the latter, which I wanted to see even before it came out. But now it's only playing at a couple of theaters, most of which are either out of the way (like Battery Park, I mean come on) or are equipped with the most uncomfortable chairs in the universe. This is stupid. I actually have a mental map of comfortable theaters, and I'm beginning to let it guide my choices significantly. This means I am an old man. At the beginning of the SNL "Taint" sketch from a few years ago, Horatio opens with one of my favorite moments ever, which I will misquote terribly, getting all kinds of details wrong, but you'll see the beauty shine through:
HUSBAND: Damn it! Only twenty minutes until Wheel of Fortune!
WIFE: What's wrong?
HUSBAND: I wanted to go to McDonald's before the show started!
WIFE: You've got plenty of time, hon. It's right across the street.
HUSBAND: No! I want to go to the good McDonald's in Haversham!
     Wah ha ha! See now that's perfect, right? Totally irrational, totally believable. Well, maybe not all that irrational -- I've been to some pretty fucking seedy McDonald's. I don't go to any of them anymore, though. Not since a friend who used to work there talked to me about his experiences for like two minutes. I will not subject you to the nightmares I would have had if I had a soul and were therefore capable of having nightmares, and mostly I forgot or repressed everything specific he told me, but the pastiche is visceral enough to keep me away, because I know that he told me something, and that something was nasty in the woodshed.
     But my point was something about being an old man. I'm totally gonna be that guy who's all into going along on some trip until he hears the details and makes up some stupid excuse like "I'm allergic to road dust" or "I hate hippies" (which is actually a totally valid reason not to do anything hippie-related) or "I need to sit shotgun because otherwise my back hurts a lot" which god help me, it's true. Fucking fuck. Old, broken, old.





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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"