Universal Donor
We can ill afford
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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TV on the Radio:
Dear Science
Walkmen:
You & Me
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes
Ratatat:
LP3
Beach House:
Devotion

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2008
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  I figured out why New Pope makes me so uncomfortable. Imagine him saying the following to you at a party:





eep
posted by Universal Donor 2:20 PM

  Oh man. Why do people keep making good TV when I was absolutely convinced that TV was, like, over? Deadwood, Battlestar Galactica, and Thief have all been universally praised, and I guess I like Rescue Me, too. The first two episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip were great in a deliciously familiar way: imagine that god used a giant whack-a-mole mallet to flatten The West Wing, but its essential elements just blorped up in L.A. instead of D.C.
     But I'm really into The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman on IFC. Hoo boy. I love shows that make fun of Los Angeles, and I like Laura Kightlinger, but I am mesmerized by Nicholle Tom. I never saw The Nanny, so it's not like I've been harboring some weird crush since adolescence. But apparently the creator of the Unofficial Nicholle Tom Homepage has. Man, the Netherlands is a weird place. That poor man is SO ANGRY about the non-support of other fake-ass SO-CALLED Nicholle Tom fans. Please read his front page tirade, it's such a perfect encapsulation of fanboyism -- like you really needed one. I envy his passion, if not his rampant, galloping pedophilia.

Say, when did they remove pseudoephedrine from every single product in the world? I'm not trying to manufacture any crank over here, I've just got a head full of hot yellow snot. I feel like a flan machine. So why does this DayQuil have a dubious decongestant called phenylephrine in it? I don't have time to investigate this substance, so if any of you want to Wik it up for me, I guess I'd be interested.
     I hate how DayQuil looks like it's gonna last forever, but each dayglo dose is like half a horseload of viscous alien blood, so the bottle empties faster than a horny horse's seminal vesicles (as for instance in Jackass: Number Two, which by the way I haven't laughed so hard in a movie theater since I saw the first Jackass movie.)

In UD vacation-related news: Either my old watch had greatly exaggerated its resistance to water, or I don't know how to read simple pictograms. Apparently the image of blue waves on my watchface, combined with "30m" meant "do not bring this watch within 30 meters of water." Whatever, Timex. I guess I'll give you one more chance, because I can't resist a company whose slogan once had the word "Licking" in it. And because I am cheap.
     I already started my watch-buying errand today before I remembered that I had another watch at home, but I wore that one during the hottest parts of the summer, so it got barnacularly encrusted with sweat-salt, and its band made my wrist smell like baloney. Anyway so I decided to set a budget for my purchase in light of the fact that it was essentially unnecessary: $20 tops. Well. If you think you can't get a kickass watch on your lunch hour in midtown for less than twenty bucks, I'm pleased to disabuse you of such defeatist fucktardation. For only $10.80 I got the toughest watch evah. You think your crazy G-shock commando chronometer is tough? I got bad news for you vis-a-vis the toughness of your stupid watch: my new watch has a fucking fighter jet for a second hand. My watch bombs your watch.
posted by Universal Donor 4:08 PM

  So I'm going on vacation to the Caribbean during hurricane season. So I won't post for at least ten days (but you're used to being ignored, aren't you, Dovey? Aww c'mere, you lug. Who loves ya?).
     If, however, I don't post for twelve days, break into my house, divide up my belongings amongst yourselves, and let your screams of ceaseless grief echo through the aluminum-sided valley of Lorimer Street, speaking of my charm, wit, balls, and grace. And balls. Oh, and by "balls," I don't mean "courage" or "moxie" or whatever. I mean my testicles, enclosed by my nutsack. Sing of my balls.
posted by Universal Donor 1:59 PM

  There are several kinds of liquids that I would normally bring on a plane without even thinking about it that now I have to actually ponder whether it's worth the attempted totage if they're just going to get confiscated by overzealous, overliteral, underpaid, and (in my experience, almost always) overweight airline security forces. I'm not going shed any tears over a bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Red* if it gets routed to the thirsty workers' loot dumpster. But what about my expensive creams, lotions, and salves? Are balms liquid? Carmex, for example. It can seem pretty solid in the right temperatures, but it can also get a little runny if you like to rock with a cynlinder in your pants pocket. At what temperature are they judging the state of various substances? And have they published restrictions for gases? I like to travel with mylar bladdersful of my favorite gases. Okay maybe I don't, but DO YOU DARE ME TO?
     I do travel with a number of things that contain liquid. I typically carry, in my toiletry kit, face lotion, eyedrops, india ink, rubbing alcohol, shaving cream (foam? liquid?), Robitussin, an Albuterol inhaler, tincture of Opium, Bonny Johnny brand aftershave, glycerin, hand sanitizer, aerosol Ubik, Soylent Blue, Soma, Soap, and the blood of Christian babies. Oh, and silver polish. Is lipstick solid? What about my gel insoles? Or my moods, which are mutable as the tides?

* Rejected alternate names for Mountain Dew: Code Red
Mountain Dew: Code Crimson
Mountain Dew: Code Chill-ain
Mountain Dew: Co-Children
Mountain Dew: Code Ruby Starfruit
Mountain Dew: Kode Krimzon Ekztreem
Mountain Dew: Kode Kremlin
Mountain Dew: KKKode Killun
Mountain Dew: Code Redneck Blood
posted by Universal Donor 4:19 PM

OTHER REVIEWS:
John from Cincinnati
Menomena

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"

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