UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
We can ill afford another Klendathu  feed it up!
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You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION TV on the Radio: Dear Science Walkmen: You & Me Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes Ratatat: LP3 Beach House: Devotion BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2008 Jeremy Broomfield 
Hosted by: HostRocket.Com Comments by: YACCS PRAISE & REVIEWS "[UD] is a genius." --Christian Oates "[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not." --Tricia Howey MOTTO egeo huic vigorum MY WRESTLING NAME Titan Gently MY PUNK NAME Razor Ection 
WHO LINKS TO UD? • from Technorati • from Google • from Yahoo and here's something weird: my place in Humor 3-space |
Monday, October 30, 2006
LIKE MAKING BLOG OUT OF NOTHING AT ALL
I just bought Lady Sovereign's album at a store. What can I say? She told me to support her in her song, and when I saw in the Times (!) that "[a Hot 97 program director] said it would be hard for her to succeed where male British rappers like Mike Skinner, aka The Streets, have failed," (and I'm like, The Streets failed? Shit, bitch! What does it take to succeed in this context? I hate the music business!) it seemed appropriate to put my nonexistent money where my "Downloading Doesn't Hurt Sales Because I still Buy CDs" mouth is. It's fucking great. * * * The biggest tragedy in losing my cell phone would not be losing my phone numbers, although that would suck hobo cock. The real loss to the community of people who use my phone would be all the words that I have added to the T9 word-recognizion software's custom dictionary. I can't express myself properly without words like: plumper, boo, ungh, enh, fucktard, fuck, shit, niggaz, sheezy, magrizzle, narc, riddim, awoogah, and foofaraw.* * * Walking around on Halloween in lower Manhattan is terrifying. Everyone looked they had been invited to a biiig theme party, to which I had NOT been invited, called The Whores and Douchebags Party.* * * I got so mad the other day at a broken chopstick that came with my lunch. I was like GODDAMN IT NOW THIS and I felt utterly incapable of eating my lunch with anything but chopsticks. In retrospect I probably could have managed it with a fork. But instead, I repaired the broken chopstick with scotch tape and wolfed down my food in blind rage, with sticks.* * * JAMAICAN CO-WORKER: Do you think they 'ave ribs in 'eaven? I'm a eat ribs alla TIME in heaven.UD: Ribs? You're gonna eat ribs all the time? That's heaven? JC-W: (gets faraway look in eyes) Oh yes. UD: Well if you eat ribs all the time, will you have to go to the bathroom in heaven too? (long pause) JC-W: Shit! [UD]! You just blew my MIN'.... Me nevva tink about de TAILET! I'm just workin' so 'ard to get into 'eaven I want to know wha's on the menu! BUT I NEVVA TINK ABOUT THE FACILITIES. * * * Cedric Bixler-Zavala, singer of The Mars Volta, does not just have a fake name -- he is a fake person. I do not believe that his voice is real. He's a vatgrown cyborg spawned from Robert Plant and a Moog synthesizer.If I had a fake name of my own, it would be one that would be hard to understand or spell, so that when I was giving my name to the hostess of a fancy restaurant, she'd have to ask me to repeat it. For this purpose I like the fakeronym "Gay Schechter," which could be plausibly pronounced "Gayish Hector" at first, but then, when said slowly, would still seem wrong. And then if they're like "can you spell the last name" I say "S-C-H-E-C-H-T-E-R" really fast and get all exasperated if they don't get it, and then I can go "Schechter! Like the Philosopher!" just to fuck with their confidence even further. And of course if they ask for the first name I get to shout "GAY" at them really loud. Other names to give to snooty Hostesses or Maitres-D': • Guy Gretsch-Harmon, pronounced "ghee-gret sharmin" • Tiger Ganger, which is just funny no matter what • King Hungry VIII Wednesday, October 18, 2006
UD: OMG. Look what Fuzzysquid just sent me:
UD: YES THEY PUT A SHRIMP ON A TREADMILL CLM: OWE MY EFFING GODD UD: I think there's something in Revelation about this CLM: "And all the creatures that creepeth upon the ground, lo, shall creepeth, but advance not; for man shall have made for the creatures a path, upon which no one can advance." UD: HAAAAAAAAAAAA Monday, October 16, 2006
I went to a doctor today, and the receptionist put me in the exam room to wait. While there, she complained about the quaint computer in the exam room into which, apparently, the doctor enters patient notes. Then she left, but left my like patient visit note document up on the screen. It read, in part:
GENERAL APPEARANCE: Well-developed, well-nourished 31-year-old male.and then: ORIENTATION: Well-oriented, mature, cooperative 31-year-old Male.Now I don't really know what to make of it, because either the receptionist/nurse/assistant wrote that assessment today based on my five minutes in the waiting room, or the doctor wrote it at the time of my last visit, a year ago. I have to suspect the first option is more likely, because I cannot imagine that I looked "well-nourished" or "well-oriented" (whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean) a year ago. I believe that I was cooperative, because I didn't get wrestled to the ground by any muscular orderlies. But who, I want to know, judged me "mature"? I don't mind, I'm just wondering what criteria could possibly have been used to make such a determination. I guess I balance my checkbook kinda often, just like Old Cousin Grandpa. And I have a bowl of hard candies in the foyer. And I need the afghan for my legs, there's a draft in here! But how did they know that? Maybe they have a machine. Wednesday, October 11, 2006
So now drinking water is supposed to be good for me? I'm not supposed to drink only coffee? Coffee has water in it. I prefer water with just about ANYTHING in it to water sans serif. Water that pays no attention to my needs is reflexively denied entry to my arid gastrointestinal byways. My tongue just won't let it through, waggling all here and there like "nuh-uh, water!" Lately I've been putting this Airborne crap into my water because it makes it fizzy for about 5 minutes, makes it taste vaguely like a pink grapefruit, and it leaves a chicken-fat-like scum all over my cup. Oh yeah, and it was created by a second grade school teacher. Why do they say that? Why do they hype the fuck out of that dubiously beneficial fact all over the package and website? Am I supposed to trust a school teacher with my health over, say, a health professional? Perhaps -- Josef Mengele was a doctor, after all.
If I had a point when I started that paragraph, it was going to be that I don't like this whole "drink more water" health plan for the same reasons I don't like the "eat healthy" plan or the "exercize regularly" plan or the "get more than 3 hours sleep a night" plan: It just seems like it could get out of hand. Not only do people seem to be suggesting that I drink more water today, it seems they are recommending that I continue to do so essentially FOREVER. That just seems stupid. And I have to tell you, I think I eliminate most of the water I drink through urination, often within an hour of drinking it. To me this is like taking a pill that falls from your mouth directly down a tube and out of your ass onto the floor. What can the point be? What can the benefit be? Why am I wasting my PRECIOUS PRECIOUS TIME putting this clear liquid in me? Won't my liver, or my kidneys, OR WHATEVER MAKES PEE get out of shape if I coddle it so? What will happen if I drink something poisonous? Can we all stop pretending, as a society, that Crocs are fit for humans to wear in public? I simply do not understand how people can be so glaringly clueless. I am not exactly a fashion plate, and like many men, I think nothing of buying a pair of sneakers and wearing them until they fall off. But I don't wear fucking traffic cones on my feet and go out for the night like it's no biggie. It's a fucking biggie, people. Has somebody already said that they look like Fischer Price's My First Flip Flop, with enclosed toes and safety straps for retarded children? Because they do. You look like you just stepped in a big steaming pile of Toys 'R' Us. |
OTHER REVIEWS: John from Cincinnati Menomena LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" |