UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
We can ill afford another Klendathu  feed it up!
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You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION TV on the Radio: Dear Science Walkmen: You & Me Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes Ratatat: LP3 Beach House: Devotion BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2008 Jeremy Broomfield 
Hosted by: HostRocket.Com Comments by: YACCS PRAISE & REVIEWS "[UD] is a genius." --Christian Oates "[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not." --Tricia Howey MOTTO egeo huic vigorum MY WRESTLING NAME Titan Gently MY PUNK NAME Razor Ection 
WHO LINKS TO UD? • from Technorati • from Google • from Yahoo and here's something weird: my place in Humor 3-space |
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
I COULD WRITE LISTS ALL DAY EVERY DAY SO DON'T TEMPT ME
What Girls are Wearing at the Wal-Mart in Hackettstown, NJ • makeup • hoodies • pajama bottoms Things I Hate About Wal-Mart • exploitation • convenience • the people in the Wal-Mart, including: • employees • customers • people who think it's okay to wear pajamas in public • old people • low prices What Old People are Doing at the Wal-Mart in Hackettstown, NJ • smiling • dying Things I Don't Want to Eat • Bic Macs • Nutty Ho-Hos • the flesh of the living (see below for exceptions) • hobo cocks Things I Do Want to Eat, but Shouldn't • Girl Scout Cookies • Palace Fried Chicken (Greenpoint, Brooklyn) • that Ben & Jerry's with the oatmeal cookies in it • the fingers and toes of infants My Resolutions for 2007 (the A-list) • To be as honest as possible at all times • Not to stuff my stupid face with food when I'm bored • Not to blog passive-aggressively at my friends • To drink more water Things I Think Other People Should Resolve to Do • Stop talking about the genitals of celebrities • Stop wearing terrycloth in public • Calm the fuck down • Shut the fuck up • Eat a bowl of dick Rejected Potential Resolutions that Didn't Make the Cut • To charge my phone more • To be less judgmental of those who are cavalier about recycling • To use the word "immanent" in conversation • To punch/kick first, ask questions later What to Type in an IM to Suggest that You are Vomiting • BARRRUF • oog • HA-WHALLLLLLFFF • cough cough HURK • HURKLE • hurmp--- • FLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRPPP!!! Lists that Didn't Make the Cut for this Post • My Coolest Relatives • Ugly Things I Saw You Wearing but Said I Liked at the Time • Super Stars of the 60s Who I Bet Probably Slept with Grace Slick • Things Your Face Looks Like (That Aren't Faces) • Favorite Windows Keyboard Shortcuts • Things in Your Room that I Put My • um, never mind Tuesday, December 19, 2006
20 Minutes in Unmedicated Head of Universal Donor
The way I wanted to write this post was that I would set a timer to go off every, say, two minutes, and I would stop writing whatever I was writing and start a new bulleted "thought." But that didn't work, because I didn't have the attention span to find a way to time it. The stupid plans of me oft eat a cock. • Why is it that the people most all-consumingly ruled by their emotions always seem to be the least willing to admit that fact? Is that even true? Why did I think that? Sometimes it seems like the more irrational a request or opinion, the more people try to justify it with "facts." Or I hate how people bring up facts that dispute their positions only to ignore them completely, as if acknowledging the truth in passing is enough: "I know that there's a lot of evidence to support the idea of global warming, but I just don't buy it." I hate when people make up statistics to support their emotional beliefs, usually hyperbolizing above the 90th percentile to really hit it out of the park: "Hitchhiking is totally unsafe. 92% of people who pick up hitchhikers are sex offenders." SHUT UP. YOU ARE A LIAR. I do this too, of course. See any page of archives for examples. I frequently say "New York City has the cleanest tap water in the world" without any citable reference for this belief. I hate myself for doing this. • Behold an a capella version of one of my favorite songs: 17 Years. It's too bad this was executed so poorly and recorded so shittily by such a bunch of ugly hippies. Because I was so excited about the idea. Now all I want to do is arrange and record my own a capella cover of it. BUT THAT WOULD MAKE ME BOBBY MCFERRIN. • If you think it's possible that I might have read The DaVinci Code, you misunderstand something deep and basic about me. • The guys from American Chopper made a bike for the movie Eragon. How can they look at themselves in the mirror? • I don't care how "talented" Beyoncé is supposed to be: I hate her stupid face. She is Estupit. I have never heard her say a single thing that was worth the tape it was recorded onto. I hate how everyone pretends she's like this great role-model for young girls just because she isn't anorexic and because she sings songs about being "a survivor" or an "independent woman." She is clearly neither of those things. Why can't people just enjoy her music without having to elevate her to the status of "good person"? I wouldn't be irritated by her inauthenticity if authenticity weren't such a big part of her image. But really? She just rubs me the wrong way. I love that "Dip It Pop It Twerk It Stop It" song, or at least I did until I saw the video, the one where Hype Williams just texted his 3rd unit director and said "just bring some chairs, a strong fan, and a bolt of fabric, and tell the girls to loosen up by pretending to be hookers; secretly shoot that rehearsal and you can call it a day. I'll be cruising sorority mixers with Li'l Wayne if you need me." • I like to laugh! • GRAMMAR UPDATE: Prepositions are an okay thing to end a sentence with. Also, it's okay to really split the fuck out of an infinitive. • People who think Saturday Night Live was funnier in the 70s than it is now don't know anything about comedy, or simply don't like comedy. I defy you to find a complete sketch from the 70s that is as funny the whole way through as the best sketches from the last ten years -- hell, from the last three years. SNL has always had three major problems: 1) an inexplicably fanatical reliance on celebrity impersonation and current events for skit material; 2) recurring character- and catchphrase-based comedy; and 3) not knowing how or when to end sketches. They still have these problems. But they are much more committed to character-based (i.e. REAL) comedy these days (as opposed to impersonation). They've recently started to end sketches before the tumbleweed moment of total joke-death. (Though I'm still mystified as to why they think sketches need ends; Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mr. Show, and even Robot Chicken make it clear that some ideas are best expressed in ten seconds, and that forcing every idea into a three-to-five minute chunk will result in some bad comedy. Maybe it's about commercials? The slightly less major -- but still major -- problems are that the musical performances almost always suck and seem like an old-fogey anachronism from the variety-show days, and that the runtime is too long. Those remain unaddressed. • I don't know what use anonymous phone number forwarding would be to you, but that's your bidniz. • Joanna Newsom is a genius. You may never like her voice, and I feel bad for you. Because she is AWESOMEPANTS. Everyone who loves music should love her. • RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE (continued): All things being equal, adding strippers to the equation will never make things better. |
OTHER REVIEWS: John from Cincinnati Menomena LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" |