Universal Donor
We can ill afford
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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TV on the Radio:
Dear Science
Walkmen:
You & Me
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes
Ratatat:
LP3
Beach House:
Devotion

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2008
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  NOTES FROM SAN FRANCISCO
(Preliminary notes: I'm pretty sure that people from San Francisco really hate it when people call their town "Frisco.")
 
So! I went to Frisco. I went for business. I experienced some pleasure, in the following forms: a movie, a cookie, an omelette, dinner with friends, and a lovely day and night with Fuzzysquid, who let me play with his Wii. It's Frisco, after all.
     Being in San Francisco made me realize that no matter how much I hate L.A., I would still rather be there than in Frisco. Why all the hateration?

• It is retarded to have four separate public transit systems.
  
• I have never seen so many drug addicts, deep in the throes of their respective addictions, so unabashedly, flamboyantly fucked up on the street. Just walking around, buying groceries, applying informally for my financial assistance, resplendent. And dirty.
  
• In fact, Friscans in general don't seem all that concerned with washing their clothes, or their bodies. This is not actually a complaint, just an observation. I tend to think Americans could stand to be a little less fastidious.
  
• Most importantly: For me, cities are vessels only as valuable as their contents, and the only contents I care about are people. Austin's great you say? Yeah? Who do I know who lives there?
       Almost everybody I know (and therefore everybody worth knowing) who used to live in Frisco has since moved to (or back to) New York. Living in Frisco feels like an adolescent phase, something you grow out of, and look back on with mild embarrassment (like fedoras, magic tricks, the debate team, virginity). The stragglers I know in Frisco are like anti-pioneers, afraid of their Northeastern destiny, but they'll figure it out soon enough. Then, all that will remain in Frisco are the real Friscans, who actually belong there. KEEP 'EM.
  

AND NOW A LITTLE SOMETHING... FOR THE LADIES
So I was in this meeting in the first morning of the conference, and the room was totally freezing. Like ICE cold. Literally. So I left the meeting and went out to buy a jacket. The first five stores, I was like: no way. I went to Macy's, and they told me to go to the segregated "Men's Macy's." Sigh. We Shall Overcome Someday, I guess. Anyway so I looked around and asked a dude named Robert about a jacket, for cheap, and he pointed me towards some that were on sale for like 50% off, and they were perfect. So he was like "that's probably about $50" and I was like "I'll take it." But when he rang it up? THIRTY DOLLARS. "I'll still take it!" I bubbled. I skipped back to the meeting, floating on that transactional high. I'm like a shopping hermaphrodite: the speed and focus of a man combined with the bargain-maximization of a woman. I AM ÜBERSHOPPER.

SOMETHING NEAT I FIGURED OUT IN FRISCO
Have you ever lost a cell phone charger while traveling? Fear not, dreamwalker, you're not the only one. Your replacement is close at hand, provided you are wily, cheap, and have flexible morals.

1. Go to a large hotel in the center of town.
   
2. Ask someone where to find the house phone.
   
3. Use the house phone Housekeeping and ask what floor they are on.
   
4. Go there (you may need to find a service elevator).
   
5. Tell the hard-working immigrant lady that you left your cell phone charger in room 1512 yesterday, and did they find it?
   
6. When she looks sheepish and shrugs, ask to see the box of lost chargers so you can look for yours.
   
7. Select a compatible charger from the box of HUNDREDS of lost chargers.
   
8. Tip the lady, you tightwad.
   
9. Whistle an innocent tune as you walk away.

AND DON'T FORGET THE WINTER VARIANT
Go to a Museum; ask for the lost and found; say "I lost a pair of black gloves;" leave with warm hands.

AND HERE IS THE LEAST FUN GAME EVER CREATED
Guess who has IBD?
posted by Universal Donor 12:30 PM

  The Times had an article about a study that explored the reasons people had sex. The study did a survey that came up with 237 distinct reasons (examples: It just happened. I was bored. Someone dared me. The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with him/her.) WHATEVER.
     The scientists who did the study are now doing a study about the reasons people choose to NOT have sex. You can participate here, like I did. Here are a few of my answers to their question:

REASONS I DID NOT HAVE SEX
Please list all the reasons you can think of for why you, or someone you have known, have chosen NOT to engage in sexual intercourse in the past.

1. I was tired.
2. I wanted to withhold sex in retaliation for a perceived slight.
3. I did not have any condoms.
4. I did not want to deal with the emotional consequences of sex.
5. The other person was drunk.
6. The other person was on drugs.
7. I was on drugs.
8. I was afraid I smelled bad.
9. I knew I would never see the person again.
10. They did this thing with their mouth that really creeped me out.
11. I didn't want to get a reputation.
12. I had just had sex with somebody else.
13. I didn't feel like cleaning up the mess created by her copious female ejaculate again.
14. There were other people in the room.
15. The other person had just had sex with somebody else.
16. The other person appeared too needy.
17. The other person was too young.
18. The other person was too gossipy.
19. The other person was too married.
20. The other person was emotionally unstable.
21. The other person had vomit in their hair.
22. I felt that the other person only wanted to have sex with me to hurt someone else.
23. Too much mud.
24. Not enough mud.
25. I did not like the other person.
26. I was no longer in love with the other person.
27. I was planning on breaking up with the person.
28. I fell asleep.
29. The other person fell asleep.
30. My parents were nearby.
31. The other person's parents were nearby.
32. I was irritated by the other person’s sense of entitlement.
33. There were too many people coming in and out of the restroom.
34. We did not want to make a mess in the car.
35. There was no suitable place to have sex.
36. The alley was not as private as we had thought.
37. We got arrested before we could have sex.
38. There was not enough time.
39. It was too hot.
40. It was too cold.
41. I had a fever.
42. My back hurt too much.
43. The other person smelled like they had bathed in patchouli.
44. I had had sex too many times that day.
45. I never wanted to see the person again.
46. The other person looked like a Muppet.
47. I found the other person's political views abhorrent.
48. I was worried it would change the nature of our friendship.
49. I wanted to preserve sexual tension indefinitely.
50. I got a phone call from my future self warning me not to.
51. I chose to sleep with a different person that night.
52. A friend of mine had a crush on the person.
53. I wanted to be the only guy who had never tried to have sex with with the other person.
54. I value platonic friendship.
55. I don't have sex with hippies.
56. Just knowing the other person would have sex with me is good enough.
57. There was a wedding taking place in the church at the time.
58. Pants too complicated to remove.
59. The drugs ran out and we needed to get more.
60. The drugs wore off and sex no longer seemed like such a good idea.
61. I was running late for a movie.

posted by Universal Donor 3:10 PM

OTHER REVIEWS:
John from Cincinnati
Menomena

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"

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