Universal Donor

UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
Universal Donor We can ill afford another Klendathu feed it up! \| UD email You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION TV on the Radio: Dear Science Walkmen: You & Me Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes Ratatat: LP3 Beach House: Devotion BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2008 Jeremy Broomfield Hosted by: HostRocket.Com Comments by: YACCS SITE STATS PRAISE & REVIEWS "[UD] is a genius." --Christian Oates "[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not." --Tricia Howey MOTTO egeo huic vigorum MY WRESTLING NAME Titan Gently MY PUNK NAME Razor Ection WHO LINKS TO UD? • from Technorati • from Google • from Yahoo and here's something weird: my place in Humor 3-space	Wednesday, April 23, 2008 WHY I LOVE MY NEW DENTIST I've had bad luck finding a great dentist who still takes my bottom-shelf dental insurance. My old one wasn't great, but he didn't even tell me he had stopped taking my insurance until I got hit with big copays. Well clouds and linings, my friends, because my new dentist is hilarious. She is constantly joking around, but it's a little nervewracking because a) her "jokes" are very dark, b) she always says them while holding a sharp or high-RPM implement in her hand, and c) she's Russian. I thought my old dentist was unprofessional because he'd always complain about how expensive his equipment was. I had no idea how unprofessional a dentist could be. Feast your eyes on these pearls from my new dentist, culled from only three magical sessions, and remember to imagine all of these quotes in a THICK Russian accent: "I am so tired today. I just don't want to work. I don't know why I came in." After I said her new haircut, with bangs, looked nice: "Oh yes?" (pulls mask down) "Do I look younger? Am I stunningly gorgeous or what?" "I've been reading a lot of self-help books." "I think I hate being a dentist. Did you know dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession?" Her hygienist then quipped back, also in Russian accent: "No, I think it is dental hygienists." "I had a date last night, and it did not go well. I don't know what's wrong with me. My mother says... (words obscured by drilling)... so I will never be happy." "I am sore today from surgery, so I will do the procedure standing up. Don't freak out just because you're so high up, okay?" I say something non-probing, like "Okay." She says: "Well I had to have something done in my abdomen, and while they were there, I thought: why not? So I had a little other work done." I ask if there's a lot of pain, still. She says: "YES. It is terrible. But I'm on narcotics, so it's not nearly as bad as it could be." (drill spins up) COMMUNICATE MY WISHES IF I'M TOO LAZY TO MAKE A WILL RockemStockem: also, I don't want to be buried RockemStockem: cremate all the way Universal Donor: yeah, obviously Universal Donor: me too Universal Donor: i don't want to rise up and eat brains Universal Donor: NO THANK YOU RockemStockem: tots RockemStockem: also I want my ashes to be divided up and distributed amoungst my friends RockemStockem: -- NOT spread or scattered -- RockemStockem: and put into small urns made out of hand painted eggshells RockemStockem: in order to burden as many people as possible Universal Donor: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa RockemStockem: can you just imagine? for the rest of your life, RockemStockem: everytime you move apts or whatever, RockemStockem: you have to walk this precious thing RockemStockem: and totally make sure it doesn't break BIOLOGY CLASS RockemStockem: so when you're really pregnant, don't you worry that the baby is just gonna fall out of your vagina? Universal Donor: Um, not unless you are giving birth to a snakebaby RockemStockem: OMG! Like on V? Universal Donor: for example. RockemStockem: what if I thought I was having a human baby, but instead just as I gave birth it was a snake RockemStockem: and nobody knew, RockemStockem: and I was pushing and then an evil snake monster just slithered out of my vagina Universal Donor: you're making me hungry BUG UPDATE On my way into the office bathroom, I see a ghostly skittering presence retreat from the opening door, weirdly ghosting around a corner. It looked like a waterbug, but somehow... different. Mammalian, almost. I rounded the corner to confront this nightmare beast and it was clearly a waterbug, but of a color I had never seen before: greyish, glisteny, mottled. I smashed it with my foot and smeared it around a bit. It is also possible that I yelped a bit in uncontrolled limbic dismay. My report to the receptionist goes like this. Still shaken, I say: "I just killed the weirdest waterbug. It was like albino sort of, grayish. It was awful." "Oh my god, another one?" "Yeah." "Where was it?" she asks, narrowing her eyes. "In the men's room." "Hmmmmm..." she says. "What?" "Yesterday there was one in the women's." "Gross. Did you kill it?" I ask. "Yeah. We sprayed it with white furniture polish." "WHAT?" I gasp. "But... but... but THEN what did you do?" "It looked dead." She mews. "Did you smash it?" "You know I don't like going near bugs." "So what, you polished it and hoped for the best?" "No! Joe flushed it. He picked it up with a flyswatter and flushed it," she says. "So you put the wounded WATERbug back into the lifegiving WATER that is its very element?!?!?! Why didn't you smash it?? YOU MUST SMASH WHILE YOU CAN. What are you, a James Bond movie villain? You'd probably try to drown Popeye in a vat of spinach! Fuck. Well. I killed your zombie bug this time. Please don't ever make me do that again. " I mean come on now! posted by Universal Donor 2:41 PM Friday, April 04, 2008 All right, I know it's shitty not to write for almost two months. What if I said there were a LiveJournal-style "friends-only" section of the blog to which you weren't invited, and to which I've been posting weekly, and hilariously? Would you feel better? Or worse? What if I said I was writing a novel, in exactly the same style as this blog? "How could that possibly work?" you might ask. It would be a source of concern among my editors, I assure you. They would also be concerned with the fact that I am implying that ALL of the advance money was gone even though they have yet to see sample chapters, not even one. "UD," they would whine, "we already let you borrow the jet to go to Monte Carlo for 'baccarat research' and instead you flew back and forth five times from LaGuardia to Newark, just to make the poor airports feel better because you always fly out of JFK and wanted to show that you still cared about the other two. Our accountants don't like it, and it's bad for our corporate carbon footprint. Deliver our sample chapters, and stop prank calling Karl Lagerfeld on the company dime. PLEASE." See? Pathetic. Just a bunch of words. Consider this an enema. The next post will be fresh and clean, and probably appear sometime in July. NEWS FLASH I don't trust men in hats, and neither should you. I DREAMED THEY ADAPTED NINE INCH NAILS'S "CLOSER" FOR USE ON AMERICAN IDOL I want to love you like an animal I want to feel you with my whole heart I want to love you like an animal! you've got such humongous paws I want to wrap you in gauze! AT A LOSS I am this close to soliciting pictures of your boobs. This close to suggesting that perhaps what this blog needs, to kickstart it out of slumberation, is a collage consisting of dirty pictures of its readership. For the good of blogkind, you understand. A show of good faith, people! A little upload for years of download! posted by Universal Donor 11:26 AM HOME	OTHER REVIEWS: John from Cincinnati Menomena LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded"